I’m outside my compound, sitting under the shade of a willow tree, barely wearing anything to shelter me from the cold windy night, while I wait…
I spare a moment to look up at the passing plane while I listen to a soundtrack from HSM and my eyes fill with tears and I wished I was in the clouds with my arms spread wide open and my heart singing with gladness. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up in the morning to see that I have sprouted wings and I really don’t have anywhere in mind to go except to soar in the sky like an eagle would while I ride the wind and let all my burdens be lifted.
I envy the birds of the sky, who don’t have to worry about school, or what they will eat next or what hair style to make next or never understand what its like to feel hurt, but yet they understand duty and obligation to their kind without too much emotion. I wish I could break free from this steel cage and do what it is that my heart longs to do without question as to its benefits or impact. I have tried but my free spirit has refused to be broken.
I have dreamed of walking the edge of the scottish mountains while I put my pen to paper and my brush to easel and watch the sun set as I lay upon the fields of green, while the sea cascades against the walls of the mountain making earthly music, with my shroud about me. You see all that I’m after is a life full of laughter, one of sheer abandon where I don’t have to erect any walls or pretend to be something I’m not. I just want to be me. The world though, doesn’t see things from that perspective, they have your role spelled out and anything outside of that is not welcome. My constant and only companion are my words (written and unwritten),
So its 12.31am midnight and I find myself sitted upright in my black and white space while the darkness shrouds me like a cloak and the sound of rain drops outside my window pane serve as a melody to my turbulent but reasoning soul.
The days are long and I grow weary of this environment, from my waking up to my laying down to sleep. I find this an un-fulfilling task indeed.
Every once in a while my thoughts drift to this question “why am I here?”, for want of an answer I find myself swatting at my already clammy skin, trying to snuff the life of a visting mosquito and I have to admit to myself that at least if there be no reason for my life at least the mosquitoes find me desirable.
Thoughts of Nigerian politics, impoverished families, uneducated youths and unemployed labor with an unending Lagos traffic stays in my head and I just wonder how one is expected to live long with such an existence. A failing transport system and a nation that cannot even provide the basic needs of its people, then it should not be a wonder that both the youth and the old struggle to leave d country through any legal or crooked means.
Yet with such disturbing scenes I still have to face the abusive nature of a workplace that has no regards for human wellbeing or her safety and yet expects under all circumstances to deliver as promised, I find the emblem representing the balance of justice slightly tilted to one side *sighs*, yet I will make a 5 hours trip to my home at night (which ordinarily should be about an hour) and yet have to worry about the lack of electricity and water whose availability might at least have brought some comfort. Over and above all these I struggle then to find comfort in the midst of those I love, helping out in any way I can and trying to ease out whatever burdens they might have and that is another dead end. I sense and feel no appreciation from them and instead they try to take advantage of me.
So in all these who then can one turn to? Sometimes I feel like a cylinder placed beside a naked flame ready to combust from the slightest lick of the fire, but still my heart stays steadfast and still and for how long? I do seek solace in one thing though, that some day I shall return to dust with my burdens lifted and maybe, just maybe they might remember and appreciate me…
Its being so long since my fingers fluttered across the board,
I hear the sigh in my voice and the strain in my heart,
Hmmmmn, I can’t feel my heart beat anymore,
I was burnt down and like the phoenix I am reborn.
What a rush, a fervent fever that it has all being a dream,
The past is behind me and the future abreast of me,
I can no longer toll the path that I alone can thread,
This is my decision and my prerogative.
It is not easy when you find peace, for all hell is let loose for its turbulence,
I hold on fast to this flitting belief,
There is afterall death beyond all these,
I have but to look up and see what the future begets for me.
This is real, it is no dream, I am not to be awaken from any false slumber,
My motto “forward ever, backward never”,
I have made a truce with my father and maker,
There shall be no downpour in the house of Tehila
It is said that if you try to please the world, you might only end up hurting yourself.
I have learnt not to give an ear to the wagging tongues of those false faces around me, but sometimes they cannot be ignored and yes their actions often leave a bitter taste on one’s tongue.
You ponder sometimes what makes a man who knows nothing about you start to tattle off on tales surrounding you, how does he justify the hurt or hole he creates in the life of these same people. It breeds contempt, anger and malice, yet I find I feel none of these other than pity for such an individual.
A friend once said that “a man is a product of his understanding”, it explains a lot, what a man spews out of his mouth is as a result of what he feeds his mind and soul with, be it false information or the truth, as long as it is what he believes, he would go ahead and paint the world with such data. Meanwhile, somewhere that poor soul whose ear twitchs has no idea that there is such a perception.
People are not easy to please….. Its better for you be yourself and stay on their radar. The more you are talked about, the more important you must be. For if their idle tongues won’t stop wagging, then why not entertain them, until their tongues fall off…….. Such an empty headed world we live in.
All that matters to me is that you see me like no other saw me, you saw beyond the comments and the blacken perceptions, you saw me for who I am and you love me still despite all and if I be not good enough for the world, at least I know I am at least good enough for the one and only person that matters.
The departing sound and movement of the bird dawns on me and makes me realize I am actually going to be far away from you. The thought brings tears to my eyes but I guard them against their fall least people see the pain etched in my eyes.
I make conversation to the ear beside me. Wanting to drift the conversation away from thoughts of you. I envision you as you would be sitted upon your saddle awaiting thoughts and chats from me. I sigh heavily, breathe in the artificial air and try to close my eyes.
I see you flash before my eyes, I dare not open them least my flood of saddness be unleashed. Then I have an epiphany, we are yet to consummate what we have and yet I miss you already, I am just some hours apart from you and I miss you already. What is this feeling? Why can’t I stay sane?
And so it is this feeling of lonliness shrouds me, despite the company that I keep. I will bid my time and think of you like you are beside me. I will not cry and shame your supposed presence around me. I cannot wait to have you back in my arms. A lifetime of us is what awaits us, so I will wait until I find and see you again.
So there I was my lonely and eccentric self doing what I do best, wallow in simulation of all sorts, but it appeared as if I was not to be in that state today.
He promised that while weeping endureth through the night, joy will follow at the dawning of the sun and this was the case for me. My Dominus had decided to come sweep me off my feet.
Excitement would make anyone do silly things atimes and I had my share yesterday. I can’t recall how many outfits I tried on just so I could feel and look cool “do not mind me”, I at the end of the day settled for my bedroom colors (black and white) and I definitely won’t be going into all the intricate details but be assured I was decked out in black and white right to my very stockings.
In anticipation I waited and for once didn’t feel a frustration at being delayed for it was only gonna make the night last longer. I was eager and yet I was patient. That’s the effect he had on me. The man who made my heart beat fast and slow at the same time didn’t know such a thing could happen.
With him, holding him, kissing him felt like I had tasted the heavenly food of the greeks, just like ambrosia, what an experience to be able to feel that butterfly effect, the light headedness, the abandonment of all pain and sorrow, to once again feel that semblance of peace.
I wish we could stay like that forever and never wake up from this dream. Would it not that I be blessed with such a man as he. I closed my eyes and decided that when I wake the dream would be over. I felt in my sleeps hands holding mine, with speed beneath my body and then a stop. I had finally woken up and I gave a sigh before opening my eyes to reality only to find as my eyes opened that this had being no dream at all.
I stare at the title space for hours, wondering what to call this. I think I know what it will be called.
All that buzzing in the ear is distracting, despite their evil machinations its sad to see that they know not what peaceful waters they disturb. Obviously there is no rest for the restless and they are restless indeed.
Their curiosity will only get scorched because it takes the glory of God to conceal a matter and the honor of kings and not fools to seek it out.